Fertilitet og arbeid: Å finne balansen

00:00:00 Thank you and hi, thank you everybody who's come along tonight. So tonight I'm talking about career and fertility. It's something that comes up a lot when I speak to people in my support groups and things like that about how difficult it is to juggle work whilst going through fertility treatment. So as Sebastian mentioned, I'm a personal development coach and the author of the IVF

00:00:21 Positivity Planner. I've worked in the field of fertility for around eight years now and I work with clinics and organisations to help them better support their patients and their and organisations to help them better support their patients and their employees. I also run numerous online and face-to-face support groups for fertility and the menopause.

00:00:38 And a lot of this has been driven through my own personal journey. So I went through at my own six-year IVF and infertility journey which led me to wanting to work in this field to support people so that they didn't have to go through the same experience I had and that they hopefully felt a lot more supported. So in this webinar I wanted to cover some of the key facts about infertility in So in this webinar I wanted to cover some of the key facts about infertility in

00:01:01 IVF and the day-to-day reality of infertility because there may be people on here who are going through that and who hopefully this information will make you feel less alone but also give you some information if you're about to start treatment just to help you on your way. But also there may be people on here who know friends, loved ones, colleagues

00:01:21 who are about to start treatment and want to be able to better support them. So I'm going to go through the key facts about IVF and some coping strategies that you can that you can use whilst you're in work and outside of work including coping with things like overwhelm and ways to help you take back control because I know from my own journey and

00:01:39 from the people I speak to every day that control is something that they feel they're really lacking when they're struggling with infertility and going through treatment. So we'll talk about some ways you can take back control. We'll also have a look at how infertility affects men and supporting partners and strategies that they can use to get the support they need as well.

00:01:57 We'll look at the impact of infertility and fertility treatment on work and We'll look at the impact of infertility and fertility treatment on work and look at some strategies for juggling work and treatment because it can be really difficult when you're already feeling overwhelmed about treatment to suddenly think about how you work it around your work day, whether you tell people, whether you don't tell people.

00:02:15 So we'll look at some ways that you can manage that. We'll also have a look at some ways that you can support a colleague who's going through treatment or who's struggling with infertility at the minute so that you can feel better quick to help them while they're going through treatment and remain happy and productive at work as well.

00:02:29 at work as well. And I'll talk you through some support resources. So according to the World Health Organization it's estimated 9 to 15% of couples worldwide are infertile which equates to about 186 million people globally. So it's not something that's happening to a small amount of people and if you are on this journey yourself and you're not alone in going through it there's a lot of

00:02:51 people who are also the same and who understand how you're feeling. It's being categorized by the World Health Organization as a disease or female It's being categorized by the World Health Organization as a disease or female reproductive system so it's really important to understand that this isn't a lifestyle choice, this isn't a luxury and sometimes I think IVF can get blocked with those things

00:03:10 especially in a workplace capacity. So it's really important to understand that it isn't a personal choice to go through treatment for many people it is their only option of starting a family. Women who are struggling with infertility experience the same levels of depression as women with cancer, HIV and heart disease.

00:03:28 So again you can see the real emotional impact that can have on people, the So again you can see the real emotional impact that can have on people, the mental health impact and a study by the fertility network showed that 42% of women surveyed and there was nearly a thousand women surveyed had felt suicidal at some point during their journey which again really highlights the huge mental health impact the infertility can

00:03:47 have but also why it's so important that people supported through it. It can cause feelings of shame, guilt, low self-esteem and it can very commonly lead to depression, anxiety, people feel out of control of their bodies and their to depression, anxiety, people feel out of control of their bodies and their future and it can lead to a poor quality of life.

00:04:05 So again it's so important to if you're going through it yourself to seek some sort of support and understand that you're not alone in going through this and those feelings are really normal but also if you're supporting somebody through it it's good to understand that so you can make sure they're getting the support they need. So in terms of practical information I think if you are lucky enough to have

00:04:26 not needed to go through treatment not everybody understands how expensive it is and some to go through treatment not everybody understands how expensive it is and some of the practical things around it so it isn't cheap. So in the UK the average cost of IVF is £5,000 and there may be additional costs on that depending on the treatment that you're having and this varies from country to

00:04:42 country as well but it isn't cheap to go through IVF. So again this isn't something that people would choose to do if there was another option for them. In terms of the UK funding so NHS funding differs in different regions because of the different integrated care boards so if you are in the UK and you're wondering

00:04:57 different integrated care boards so if you are in the UK and you're wondering whether you qualify for funding NHS funding for treatment you need to check the local ICB so that you can check what their qualification things are so that you can see whether you would qualify for that. There are differences based on your age so some will only fund up to age 42.

00:05:22 Most clinics if your NHS funding will only fund up and what you have to have a BMI of under 30. under 30. And then many of the ICBs won't fund if either you or your partner have a child already so even if you don't have one together you may not be able to get funding even if one of

00:05:41 you has a child. It's also very different from the same sex couples as well so you would need to check locally so many might say that people, since sex couples have to have a certain number of cycles self-funded before they would qualify for their NHS funding so if you are in that situation it's worth checking out what you're eligible for.

00:05:58 situation it's worth checking out what you're eligible for. A number of clinics and companies offer financing packages as well so if you are self-funding and worried about the cost then you can have a look at some of the financing options but just make sure you really read the small print with those before you sign up to anything. It's also really important to know that sadly IVF is a guarantee that you will

00:06:20 get pregnant and success rates are only around 35% and that does vary by your age as well so if you're under 35 your chances of success are around 32% but that drops to 4% for women under 35 your chances of success are around 32% but that drops to 4% for women over 44 using their own eggs so it's really important to understand it's better to seek help earlier

00:06:40 if you are thinking that you may need to start an IVF journey. So what impact does infertility have on people in their whole lives so it's not just trying to have a baby there's so many other things that it impacts. One of the major things is people feel really out of control so it doesn't matter how hard you work towards this you feel like there's nothing you can do to increase your you work towards this you feel like there's nothing you can do to increase your

00:07:05 chances so you feel out of control and you're having to give that control over to your consultants so many people struggle with that. They feel really overwhelmed by the fact they've got to go through treatment especially if you're having to make changes such as losing weight or stopping smoking it can add another

00:07:21 layer of overwhelm to you and because not many people know others who've been through it you don't know that that's normal or have anybody to speak to a bad which it you don't know that that's normal or have anybody to speak to a bad which can lead to more feelings of overwhelm. It can impact on friendship so if all your friendship group has got children it can be

00:07:37 very difficult because you feel like you're excluded from things that they're doing or that they don't fully understand what you're going through so it can make you feel more isolated because of that. Sadly it also affects relationships so there's a significant number of relationships that do break down because of fertility struggles and you find that people that can

00:07:57 make them stronger because you're going through such a major thing together but it can stronger because you're going through such a major thing together but it can cause relationships to break down sadly and it's really important to work together through that to try and get through in fertility together. People can feel really lonely if they don't know anybody else who's been

00:08:16 through it so we didn't know anybody in our circle of friends who even struggled let alone gone through treatment so you can feel really lonely like nobody fully understands the depths of your emotions and why are you so upset about it? Why are you finding it so hard? Why are you finding it so hard?

00:08:31 Again it's so important to seek out support to find others who get that. It can start to have an impact on your general well being so if you're not sleeping properly you're not eating well you're worrying it can all this anxiety can add to your general well being as well which then makes you feel worse especially if you're about to go through treatment it can be really difficult if you're not feeling well in yourself.

00:08:54 It can make people feel like they're a failure I think you feel like your body 's not doing what it's supposed to be doing and that isn't your fault but that's how we feel what it's supposed to be doing and that isn't your fault but that's how we feel we do have those feelings and it's a difficult thing to get around but it's really important to know that it's not it's nothing you've done to cause this as it's been

00:09:13 categorized it is a disease of the reproductive health and system so it's nothing that you could have done and then many people feel that you put your life on hold because of it you feel like you keep saying I can't do that unless I get pregnant or I'll do that once I get pregnant once I have a family I'll do that and you find then that your life stands still

00:09:29 once I have a family I'll do that and you find then that your life stands still and you see everybody around you moving forward with their jobs their relationships their families and you feel like you're left behind and like you're putting your life on hold so you can see that it affects so many different aspects of people's lives and why it's so important

00:09:49 to get that support that you need. So I wanted to cover some general coping strategies to help you with that before we move on to the workplace side just because I think these these can be really valuable whilst you're in a workplace setting as well as your general life so things like breathing techniques especially if you're feeling triggered if somebody at

00:10:08 work is announced their pregnancy or something happens and adverb comes on that you it's just really triggering for you using breathing techniques can just help you take back control especially if you're at work and you don't want people knowing what you're going through just to be able to take a deep breath into your nose and out through your mouth can just help you get those emotions

00:10:26 into your nose and out through your mouth can just help you get those emotions back under control until you can get somewhere where you can let it out and if that's what you want to do so try using breathing techniques to help especially when you're feeling triggered . It's also really important to give yourself permission to feel how you feel so I think we

00:10:45 have all these feelings but then we feel guilty so some one of our friends announces that they're pregnant and and we feel really jealous but then we feel like we can't be jealous because that makes us a bad person but it's really important to allow yourself to feel that it's really normal and I think when you allow yourself to feel that you can accept it and it takes and I think when you allow yourself to feel that you can accept it and it takes

00:11:03 away some of the guilt and it takes away some of the anxiety around that as well so give yourself permission to feel how you feel. Get support it's something that whenever I speak to people I say it's so important talk to somebody and that can be anybody whoever makes you feel most comfortable whether that's a trained professional whether that's a friend or a family member but talking to

00:11:23 somebody just helps you rationalize some of those emotions get out how you're feeling and just be you rationalize some of those emotions get out how you're feeling and just be able to talk it through with somebody. Then have a think about some of the things that you can take control of so I've spoken about how we feel so out of control and we're going through fertility treatment have a

00:11:41 think about some of the things that you can take control of so there are things you can do even if you feel like treatment is out of your hands have a think about some of the things you can do so your lifestyle you could make sure that you're getting plenty of rest keeping hydrated taking any recommended supplements and eating fertility friendly foods so there's lots any recommended supplements and eating fertility friendly foods so there's lots

00:12:01 of lifestyle things that you can do including making any changes so if you need to cut down on drinking or stopping smoking those things you can take control of and help you feel like you're doing something to help the process as well have a think about what you can do with your with your mindset so whether that is just making sure you're in the best place emotionally going into treatment

00:12:24 so whether that is journaling or meditating or just making time for self-care so that you are is journaling or meditating or just making time for self-care so that you are recharging your batteries and you're feeling the best you can do going into to treatment and you can take control of practical things as well so that could be researching treatment it could be planning logistics around

00:12:43 treatment as well so have a think of some of the things that you can do for your lifestyle your mindset and practically as well to take back some of those control so that when you feel like or your treatment and your future is out of your hands you can tell yourself well actually i'm doing all of this and this will help me be in the best state i can leave going through of this and this will help me be in the best state i can leave going through

00:13:01 treatment if you're starting to feel overwhelmed about going through treatment and everything you need to do then then make a list of it because i think sometimes when we make a list and it's on paper it suddenly becomes more manageable it feels like some of the things you can see then well i could delegate that or i can take that off my list i don't need to worry about that

00:13:22 so i think when you feel that overwhelmed write down your list and just start working through it cross off what you can but work through what you the other things that need to stay on your list as but work through what you the other things that need to stay on your list as well make sure you're taking time out for self-care and doing things you enjoy i think we're going

00:13:36 through treatment we've become so laser focused on going through treatment that we forget that we need to be making time for ourselves and self-care and the things that recharge our batteries because otherwise it becomes all consuming going through treatment so make sure you're taking time out for self-care and i'll go on to talk about how you can do that in the workplace as well

00:13:55 but it's just making sure you're prioritizing yourself in all of this as well and not putting yourself to the bottom of the pile avoid social gatherings that feel like there yourself to the bottom of the pile avoid social gatherings that feel like there 'd be too difficult for you so if somebody's invited you to a baby show or something like that and you feel like you just can't go then don't feel guilty for it you could make up an excuse and

00:14:15 if your friends don't know what you're going through you could make up an excuse for why you can't go if they do know what you're going through you could talk to them and say it's not that i don't want to be there for you it's just too painful for me at the minute and i'm really sorry could we do something separately um to to this so just have a think about the things that you do and don't want

00:14:28 um to to this so just have a think about the things that you do and don't want to go to so you're protecting your emotional well-being as well and maybe arrange to do things with friends that don't have children so that it's not just about doing things as families or with children as well think about your different friendship groups that you've gotten who you could spend

00:14:48 time with and who would lift you up and and who would be um which group of friends would be less triggering for you as well you could also create a thankful list so again i think when we don't have think when we don't have what we want in our lives we become so focused on the fact we don't have this that we forget all the other things that are going on in our lives for us the the amazing things

00:15:08 we've done nor the amazing things that we have in our lives or the people we have in our lives so i think it can be really helpful every now and again to write your thankful list so that when you 're feeling down you don't have the family that you want to get um things like going the way you wanted at least you've got the other things in life um that can lift you up whilst you're still on

00:15:29 that journey so that journey so how i think i think sometimes because we forget about make-a-make-a-feel-lower so at least if you can keep looking back at that list even if it's the things that you've you've done that are amazing achievements so that you can say sort of how happily and you are and the things that you've got

00:15:46 going on in your life and think about the things that you like to do and achieve and as i said you we tend to put our lives on hold when we're going through infertility and going through treatment because we keep saying what if or when when this happens but think treatment because we keep saying what if or when when this happens but think about the things that you want to do and achieve so that you're building a life that you love around

00:16:04 your fertility treatment so that if sadly it doesn't work out for you or it's taking longer than you are hoping you're creating a life that you're happy with and that brings you joy as well so think about some of the other things and it gives you a sense of achievement as well and another way of taking back control so how does infertility impact men so it's they've kind of been a little bit

00:16:25 forgotten about um in the whole process and they are starting to get more support now there's a um in the whole process and they are starting to get more support now there's a lot more resources around for men which is great but many men feel really hopeless during fertility treatment so they feel they can't do anything to take the the kind of physical side of treatment away from their

00:16:43 partner so we can't get away from the fact that within fertility the majority of the medical side of treatment happens to the female partner and men often feel guilty especially if the issue is male factor that their partner is going through all of that when the issue is maybe factor that their partner is going through all of that when the issue is maybe on their side but they also feel like they can't do anything to take away the pain and they feel

00:17:06 they have to be strong and supportive for their partner as well so that if they're emotional or struggling or pumped full of hormones that they're being the strong and supportive one but it can mean that they don't seek the support that they need because they're doing that as well or they don't feel like they can say exactly how they feel for fear of upsetting their partner or

00:17:24 adding more to their their worries they often feel like um infertility is an attack on their manhood their worries they often feel like um infertility is an attack on their manhood too i think there's still such a taboo around it which needs to change um but they can feel more like a failure they feel like they can't talk about it because it is seen as a failure on their part and and that they're

00:17:43 less of a man if they're not able to to get pregnant and and again it's changing that attitude around that so that men can seek the support that they need they often feel they also get excluded from treatment discussions as well and they feel that a lot of the medical side of treatment discussions as well and they feel that a lot of the medical side of the discussion is aimed at their partner and they're often excluded from it so it's kind of get

00:18:06 building up that awareness for them to feel that they can advocate for themselves as well and feel more empowered they struggle to find support because they've been very limited support around for men and as I said that is improving which is brilliant but it can still improve more and I think we need to all talk about it more so that people get get the support and they're much less

00:18:25 likely to disclose it to friends family to work again because of the taboo of what they're going it to friends family to work again because of the taboo of what they're going through and often they are more keen to keep it private as well so they then don't get the support they need so what are some coping tools for men so again taking control of what you can so you may not be

00:18:42 able to take away some of the medical side of treatment but you could be doing the researching on the financial planning or the logistical planning so that you feel like you 're involved in the process and and taking some control back research and ask questions to help you find solutions and the support you want to say if you're feeling excluded from discussions do you the support you want to say if you're feeling excluded from discussions do you

00:19:02 research so that you can ask informed questions as well and make decisions as a couple and it will also show you where the support is that you can access it's really important that you you speak to somebody that you can trust because I think just having that outlet to be able to talk to somebody and that could be a friend or it could be a professional who doesn't know you so that you feel like you can

00:19:22 talk confidentially to them but having an outlet if you don't feel like you can speak to your partner about it at least having an outlet where you're still able to talk about how you're feeling and make an outlet where you're still able to talk about how you're feeling and make sure you're getting the support and your needs are being met as well also have a things that like looking at coping

00:19:39 strategies that work for you and thinking again about the things that you want to achieve and and that might be something you can do as a couple or something you want to work on individually as well but find coping strategies that work for you whether that is going to the gym whether that's going for walks, journaling and talking to friends seeing friends find things that work for you

00:19:58 and make time for the things that you enjoy as well so that you're not becoming and make time for the things that you enjoy as well so that you're not becoming all consumed by treatment as well there are now as I said so many more male focusing so male only support groups and male fertility podcasts so you can get different levels of support you can listen to the male fertility podcast without it you don't have to interact with it you can listen

00:20:20 but it still feel validated or you can join support groups where you can talk about it but it's just really important to understand that it's not your fault you're not alone and that it's really to understand that it's not your fault you're not alone and that it's really normal to feel this range of emotions as well so what impact does infertility have at work so fertility networks

00:20:39 today show that 50 percent of people felt worried that treatment would affect their career prospect so they don't disclose to work that they they're going through treatment because they're worried it will affect their future career if they think oh well they're trying to get pregnant so we're not going to promote them because they won't stay around so again that's one of the reasons people

00:20:57 don't disclose they're going through it 58 percent of people said their work don't disclose they're going through it 58 percent of people said their work affected their treatment so it's really difficult to book appointments they were having to hide things they couldn't book appointments early on in the day and they were having to try and work work around it too so a large percentage you can see why it adds this additional stress and 85 percent

00:21:17 said that treatment affected their day-to-day work so they were struggling to concentrate they were having to try and take phone calls but worrying about taking those phone calls they just didn't feel like they could separate the team so as I said it's it a lot of people worry about they could separate the team so as I said it's it a lot of people worry about this and I think

00:21:35 you can see there 8.74 days is the average number of days that people need to take off for treatment so that is adding up you maybe would need one solid day for one part of treatment and another day for another part but then you might have smaller bits of for different appointments but it equates to about 8.74 days and people get anxious about how they can take that time off if their

00:21:57 company doesn't have a policy and you know so and it's it's not an company doesn't have a policy and you know so and it's it's not an insignificant number of days and it also needs to be very flexible as well which can cause challenges in trying to juggle this is why it's so difficult when people find it so difficult to juggle work and treatment 36 percent had felt their career was damaged because of going through treatment

00:22:15 and 15 percent had either reduced their hours or quit so that they could manage their treatment around their work as well or at least try and manage going through treatment so this is really important to understand because respondents who felt their so this is really important to understand because respondents who felt their work affected treatment or treatment affected their work so with those who'd felt

00:22:34 that there had been an effect of going through treatment whilst juggling work have reported significantly higher levels of distress than those who reported no impact so you can see where there is an issue it does cause more distress it causes more anxiety and those who received no employer support had higher distress levels than those who received support as well so you can see

00:22:56 if you are an employee an employer sorry or a manager why it's so important to make sure that your an employer sorry or a manager why it's so important to make sure that your employees supported through treatment those who reported their company making no reasonable adjustments had again higher levels of distress than those who whose managers and companies had made adjustments for them so again

00:23:15 you can see why if you are struggling to hide all the appointments you're going to you're not allowed time off or you're having to take time off as sick or as holiday is why it can add to the anxiety and struggle when you're going through work or going through treatment whilst and struggle when you're going through work or going through treatment whilst trying to work and those who said that their company had no workplace policy again had higher

00:23:35 levels of distress so you can see those that whose work or career has been impacted those who's had no support no policy no adjustments it all adds to the anxiety and those people are much more likely to leave their jobs and that's where as an employer you will be losing well paid experienced people from the roles who you then have to apply so you can see why it's important that you get

00:23:56 roles who you then have to apply so you can see why it's important that you get support but you can also see that if you're struggling yourself at the minute that you're not alone in it this is something that people are struggling with and I'm going to talk through some strategies that will hopefully help with that as well so it's important to understand that fertility treatment is intensive

00:24:15 and you will need time off quite flexibly and a short notice and you may go for or your employees might go for a scan on a Thursday thinking the need of Friday off but actually once they've come back from the scan they need a Monday off and if you've worked work around it then from the scan they need a Monday off and if you've worked work around it then it can be a bit of a challenge to work that so it does need to be quite flexible at certain points

00:24:36 of treatment and it can be very short notice and so being able to flex around that will help and those who are going through it it will just make it a bit easier for them and those that are traveling for work and may worry more about medication so how you store it is it going to be can you take a little fridge with you will you be able to manage the timings for your medication so when you

00:24:56 with you will you be able to manage the timings for your medication so when you 're traveling for work it can add an extra level of worry to it and as can shift work so it can be tricky to organize appointments if you have to do injections at certain times it can cause more stress so all of these things need to be considered when you're you're going through fertility treatment

00:25:17 about how you can work around them there's a requirement to attend lots of appointments as well and certainly for the person who is going through treatment and if they have a partner then they might risk a quiet time off as well so it's important to understand then they might risk a quiet time off as well so it's important to understand that it can affect supporting partners as much as those who are physically having the

00:25:36 treatment as well many people worry about how to have the conversation it's not an easy conversation to start and I remember having to have the conversation with my boss and almost putting off right till the end of the day and every time I had a conversation with her I was worrying thinking I 'm going to have to have this conversation where I'm putting it off and it's very difficult if you

00:25:56 're in that situation to start that conversation but I think I'll go on to talk about how you can to start that conversation but I think I'll go on to talk about how you can make that easy but it can be difficult to have those conversations and many people worry about whether it be confidential as well and it should be and if you are concerned you can ask your manager or

00:26:12 or HR to make sure it's kept confidential because you don't necessarily want everybody knowing and it may be that you you want people to know so they can support you but then that's your choice so treatment can require time off often at short notice and again people worry it could affect their job prospects or promotions what impact can it have on on men or affect their job prospects or promotions what impact can it have on on men or

00:26:32 supporting partners as well so again they will need time off for appointments just as much as their partner will and they may not need to be there for all the specific points of treatment but they might need to be driving their partners somewhere or picking them up or just there to support them emotionally as well they might be reluctant to talk about it at work so you might not know that

00:26:52 your your colleague is struggling and so it's you may not know that they're going through this they may feel isolated so if you as a supporting partner are going through they may feel isolated so if you as a supporting partner are going through treatment you might feel isolated if you haven't told people what you're going through and you will be feeling the

00:27:09 emotional strain as well so it does affect your concentration especially if you 're waiting for news or your partner's messaging you about or you you know you've got an appointment coming up or waiting for test results it can affect your concentration at work as well people might be afraid to tell the employer in case they're judged or they feel that might be afraid to tell the employer in case they're judged or they feel that

00:27:30 it will affect their career as well so they there is a fear of disclosure because they worry that it could affect them and because many people don't understand and recognize infertility is a legitimate medical issue they don't oh people don't always get the support they need so that's what it's really important to highlight the fact that it is categorized as a disease of the

00:27:51 reproductive systems so what if you are about to start treatment how can you go about juggling and treatment with work how can you get started because I know it can feel really overwhelming so first how can you get started because I know it can feel really overwhelming so first ly do you research on treatment so you understand what's involved the time off your need and things like that and

00:28:11 what the process is a bit so that you can start to have a think about the timeline for that but also which bits of it you'll need more time off for so that you can develop a plan before you go and speak to your manager also have a look to see if your company has a fertility treatment policy because that will tell you whether you're entitled to pay time off policy because that will tell you whether you're entitled to pay time off

00:28:32 whether you're allowed to take time off as unpaid or if it would be covered by sick leave things like that and so have a look and do your research on treatment then work out how much time you'll need off and how you want to manage treatment around your specific role so if there's so many different roles out there so I worked in an office so I worked in a different building

00:28:54 some days if I have appointments or I'd just say that I was starting late and I would work late because I didn't have late because I didn't have paid time off if you work shift work and how could you you work better around it and could you change your shift patterns temporarily so that you are not working when the clinic is open when the

00:29:12 appointments are available so how will you work around your specific role and I know for some people it's very difficult to take time off especially if you're working in a medical setting it can be very difficult to take time off so have a think about the best way that it would work for you because if you've got a plan before you speak to your manager you can go to you because if you've got a plan before you speak to your manager you can go to

00:29:32 them with solutions so you're much more likely to be able to get your ideal plan for how it could work if you've gone and thought all through about how it would work and so if you could you work remotely and if you have regular meetings can you do flexible working and things like that so if you have a regular Monday morning meeting could you not do that one it's things like that so think

00:29:56 about your your day-to-day role and how you could flex around that could somebody cover for you day-to-day role and how you could flex around that could somebody cover for you in certain parts things like that if you're a supporting partner have a think about which point you need to attend which ones you'd like to attend whether that is to support or just be there to talk through

00:30:12 things as well because then again you've got a plan that you can take your manager say these are the things that I really need to be at so can I provisionally book off these days or just so you know there will be three days that I need four days off but then I will try and work these things around so if you can have a think about the process to start with and that could be could if you can have a think about the process to start with and that could be could

00:30:33 involve speaking to your consultant as well your clinic so that you can get an idea of timelines as well decide how much you want to disclose and who else you want to know so are you more comfortable speaking to your manager would you rather speak to HR because you feel like they'd be more understanding do you want to tell your colleagues so that they can support you

00:30:54 or would you rather it be kept confidential and and try and work around it and so I didn't tell I it be kept confidential and and try and work around it and so I didn't tell I told my manager but I didn't tell my colleagues and then I was having to hide things which made it quite difficult then because I was having to hide why was that appointments and there's only so many sort of dentist appointments

00:31:15 and things like that so it's finding what works for you if you work in a big open plan office that's very different to if you work remotely at home and you can you can hide it a bit better that you go into appointments from your colleagues so think about who you want to know into appointments from your colleagues so think about who you want to know maybe once you've done your plan and you've got an idea of of what you'd ideally like plan plan out or

00:31:37 script what you'll say so you feel more prepared and less likely to forget because when we're in these situations where you have to say something to somebody and it's quite it can become overwhelming and you forget what you wanted to say and you get muddled and get a bit flustered so if you have a plan even if it's just a case writing down the key bullet points that you want to make sure you

00:31:57 get across you'll know that you can get across what you want to say and less likely to get you'll know that you can get across what you want to say and less likely to get the important things and be clear about what's involved in treatment both physically and emotionally so that they understand and encourage them to to research treatment themselves so that they can understand

00:32:12 what's involved when you speak to your manager organized to speak somewhere quiet and somewhere comfortable where you won't be disturbed and you've got enough time to fully discuss it so don't just plan in a quick five minute conversation because you won't feel like you're able to have a full-in of conversation about the questions you've gotten the plan that you a full-in of conversation about the questions you've gotten the plan that you

00:32:32 want to go through so allocating enough time and organize somewhere where you feel comfortable and you can have these conversations that been disturbed and then as you're going through the process keep your manager updated because it will build trust and it'll enable you enable you both to plan better and give you the opportunity to talk through any of the concerns you've got or

00:32:52 any of the changes you'd like to have made so it just builds up that trust and both of you can work around treating the better if you if you're keeping in constant contact about it also take the better if you if you're keeping in constant contact about it also take control of the things you can so manage your workload so make a list of all the urgent things you need to get each

00:33:09 done each day and work through those so you can make sure you're getting the things you have to get done are getting done and you could also ask if you could have some help even if it's just temporary really with some of the other tasks just to take the pressure of when you're going through treatment if you travel a lot for work have I think about how you will manage your

00:33:29 medication so the storage of it the timings for taking it and so if you're medication so the storage of it the timings for taking it and so if you're traveling a lot can you time it in with breaks or if you're working at a different site can you take a little mini fridge or a cool bag or something so that you can take them with you to different sites as well try and reduce any extra commitments you've got so don't offer to take on extra

00:33:48 projects and see if you can delegate any additional projects you currently do or you're involved in even if it's just while you're going through treatment just to take some of that pressure off because then you can focus on your work and show that you can still remain productive then you can focus on your work and show that you can still remain productive without having

00:34:02 the worry of all the additional projects make sure you schedule and self-care into your day and you know it can be difficult there's a temptation to work from your desk especially if you're trying to make time back up for taking time off for appointments but make sure that your schedule and self-care so even if that's just taking your lunch break every day or if you've

00:34:24 put your lunch break down to account for appointments then at least in that time you're having a lunch break get away from your desk to eat even if that's just going for a walk break get away from your desk to eat even if that's just going for a walk outside your office just getting away and having that time to yourself or going and sitting in your car and having to read while you have your lunch just so that you're making sure you're not burning it

00:34:42 out ask if there's any support within your organization as well that you can access so many companies might have employee existence plans where you can access counselors you they may have fertility champions or other people who've been through or are for and where you can get support so or other people who've been through or are for and where you can get support so seek out support

00:35:03 within your organization and if you feel comfortable too because then they can signpost that to you maybe see if you can work remotely if possible and it might take less time for you to get to your appointments it's easier to conceal the fact you're going to appointments from colleagues obviously your manager would know but your colleagues maybe wouldn't if you're working remotely as well and

00:35:22 it would just take some of that time away from traveling to the office as well you could ask your clinic if you can have virtual appointments as well and where possible so your clinic if you can have virtual appointments as well and where possible so obviously some parts of treatment you can't do virtually but where possible could you have virtual appointments because you could dial in from work if you could use a spare room a spare

00:35:41 office somewhere and it could mean that you and your partner can dial in separately so that you don't have to be together and it takes off some of that pressure if you can dial in separately from your workplaces also ask your clinic if you can have appointments work around your timing so if you have to go into an office or you have to start at a certain time can you have the really early

00:35:59 appointments or appointments or could you have lunchtime ones if that works better for you they will try and work it around for you best they can but obviously a lot of people will want early appointments and so they try and work it as best they can. Ask a manager for access to a private room so you could go if you've got to

00:36:17 take phone calls if the embryologist is calling your other clinic is calling so you can just go into the private room to have those conversations confidentially or have virtual appointments and if you're able to have them or even if you just want to take five minutes and if you're able to have them or even if you just want to take five minutes out just to catch your breath and if you found something really triggering just to go and sit and

00:36:37 have some spare time to yourself so ask if there's a room that you can have access to for that. Also don't worry about other people's opinions I think we do we do worry about them but only tell people that you're comfortable telling if you feel like people won't be understanding then don't feel you have to tell them you do what's right for you and don't feel any pressure to go to

00:36:59 like baby meet and greets and baby showers and fuddles and things that are like baby meet and greets and baby showers and fuddles and things that are happening in your workplace if you don't feel up to go in you can use an excuse that you've got too much work on and you've got call or something like that because it can be really difficult especially if you work in somewhere where it's a high female population and people are pregnant

00:37:19 people are coming in with babies it's okay to miss out on those things sometimes you have to protect your emotional well-being and then find an ally and think about telling a trusted colleague who could and then find an ally and think about telling a trusted colleague who could support you and it could be that they can cover for you when you're having appointments or even changing the conversation

00:37:36 of people are talking about babies if they know what you're going through they can help you with that they can as I say change the conversation I'll just support you with your workload I'll just cover for you if you're if you're at an appointment so how can you support your colleague if you know that somebody you work with is going through treatment what can you do to support them so first

00:37:58 say educate yourself on infertility and IVF so that you can understand and say educate yourself on infertility and IVF so that you can understand and support them in the best way you you will know what they're going through physically and emotionally it will help you and feel like you know the right things to say and avoid the things that you shouldn't be saying but it will also help you empathize with what they're going through and put

00:38:19 yourself in their shoes how would you feel if you were going through this and and if you're not sure then research what's happened so if they're feeling uncomfortable after they've had one of their procedures then their procedures then research what's involved in that and think about how you would feel if you'd just been through that

00:38:34 so that you can fully understand and empathize with what they're going through and ask them how they'd like to be supported so I think a lot of people worry about saying the wrong thing for fear of triggering somebody or upsetting somebody and everybody's different in how they would like to be supported so ask them how they'd like to be supported and just be there for them

00:38:55 so they may say I don't really want to talk about it but if there is anything I 'll tell you or actually could we could we have a cuppa and have a chat but just telling or actually could we could we have a cuppa and have a chat but just telling them that you'll be there for them is enough if you don't know what else to say it's enough just to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through you know I don't fully understand but I'm here if

00:39:12 you need me and equally don't push them to talk about if they don't want to they may feel that it's not right they don't want to talk about it at work so give them that space you could offer to take on some of their tasks if they're struggling physically through the hormones and treatment or just if they're feeling overwhelmed or trying to juggle everything trying to fit in all

00:39:27 they're feeling overwhelmed or trying to juggle everything trying to fit in all the work they need to do around all the appointments so offer to take on some of their workload and again that can just be temporarily but just to give them that bit of extra support remember that partners will be struggling too so give them the same level of support that you'd give their partner who's

00:39:46 going through the main medical part of treatment you know they're struggling emotionally with the fact that they're they're trying to get pregnant be sensitive around speaking about pregnancies babies and children it can be really triggering especially if everybody's babies and children it can be really triggering especially if everybody's having a conversation around it so just being a little bit aware of that and changing the subject if

00:40:05 you feel like it's getting a bit too much or your colleagues looking a bit upset be mindful of the comments you make said things as well meaning as they might be saying just relax and it'll happen um or just stay positive it'll happen can be extremely hurtful because they can be invalidating and unfortunately that relaxing won't make it happen necessarily so um you just be mindful of the

00:40:23 that relaxing won't make it happen necessarily so um you just be mindful of the words that you say and again it comes back to that understanding and what they're going through so that you can empathize well actually if i was in that situation would i want somebody saying that to me and then help them access support resources if they don't know about them so if you know more about um

00:40:47 any employee benefits of support then help sign post them to those to get them the support that they need so how can you help so if you are going through fertility treatment and you want to help in your workplace or you feel comfortable to so only if you feel want to help in your workplace or you feel comfortable to so only if you feel comfortable to because not everybody does um there are ways you can help but only if you feel in a

00:41:10 place that you are comfortable to help so share your insights with the leadership team so you could use your journey to highlight any gaps in current policies and or feedback to them on how the the policies are working if actually you feel they're not fit for purpose and they don't really help if when you're going through treatment they don't cover what you need it to cover feed that

00:41:29 back and also how back and also how resources can be improved you want more support resources do you want there to be more information when you have lived experience it can be really powerful in in driving that change and helping others understand as I say you have to feel comfortable enough to do it and propose practical solutions

00:41:48 and so recommending policies and the way that things can work and highlight the importance of training for managers so that they understand how everybody feels advocate for awareness so you could suggest them doing awareness days um or resource groups employee so you could suggest them doing awareness days um or resource groups employee forums where you can get that support and encourage that discussion in general in the workplace to reduce that stigma

00:42:11 and to be you could collaborate with HR teams to help design the policies and design awareness days so that you can be the voice of their employees needs so you can say specifically about how you would need to be supported and your your fellow colleagues to help others with that um who are that um who are going through treatment in the future have the policies and support they need

00:42:35 and I'm volunteer to share your story so sharing your lived experience is one of the most powerful ways of helping people understand but also helping others who are going through the same journey as you to feel seen and their feelings to be validated so you share your story may encourage somebody else to to speak up as well and encourage a culture that supports their employees through not

00:42:56 just fertility challenges but mental health challenges all health challenges and encourage that culture but mental health challenges all health challenges and encourage that culture of speaking about it so just quickly there's there's so much support out there now and that you can access so on beaker there are fertility counselors so you can access counselors anywhere around the country and you

00:43:16 can find somebody who's local to you by looking on beaker.net there are support groups online there's face-to-face groups there's groups that are men only there's ethnic minority support groups there's support groups for those who are going through treatment as solo there's support groups for those who are going through treatment as solo parents there's same sex support groups so you can find one that's relevant to you

00:43:36 there's so much more male support out there now and so I've mentioned a couple on there and I think you'll have the recordings to be able to see that fertility charities so fertility network UK and then also fertility alliance which is a new charity as well that's been set up the HFEA in the UK is brilliant for it is the regulator to the student in the UK so you can access all the

00:43:58 information there you need and then there's a range of so many different levels of support from need and then there's a range of so many different levels of support from professional support like counselors coaches holistic therapists through two different Instagram accounts who you can follow for peer support validation different blogs and then through to all the support for if you are

00:44:21 going through surrogacy or you're using donors and there's so much support there as well and in terms of professional support through to Instagram accounts that you can follow and of professional support through to Instagram accounts that you can follow and then also if you are going through treatment have a look at your workplace well-being programs and your portals because there may be something there that offers you that support already I know

00:44:40 companies are getting a lot better at that there's a lot of pressure to be getting better at it which is great so I have a look at those as well so the key things from so you're not alone in what you're going through there's so many of us who've been there who can support you through it so speak to someone you trust at work to get the support you need so if that's emotional support or the

00:44:56 trust at work to get the support you need so if that's emotional support or the practical support around time off find coping strategies that work for you and because everybody 's different and then it's okay to reach out for support and in fact I'd recommend it I'd really recommend it and you're more than welcome to join my free Facebook group so it's TTC support UK and you can find me on

00:45:19 idea of positivity planner as well for just advice and support on going through this as I said I've been there myself I've been in this position and I know what it's like and I been there myself I've been in this position and I know what it's like and I want to help in any way that I can do and then you can also email me as well and so thank you so much for listening and