4.7 rating on App Stores
00:00:00 Hi, I'm Sarah Banks and in this video we're going to be talking about the questions you can ask yourself after a failed cycle. So first of all, it's really normal to find this time hard. Coping after a failed transfer is like grieving for a loss and I think a lot of us don't always feel that we can do that or think that it's acceptable to do that but it's really important
00:00:22 to know that it is a loss and you are able to grieve for it and you need to be able to grieve in a way that's right for you. A failed cycle can feel like a loss of hope, a loss of your precious embryo and A failed cycle can feel like a loss of hope, a loss of your precious embryo and a loss of the future that you had planned out in your mind so it's okay to find this time hard.
00:00:40 In fact, it's completely normal. When this happens, we pin all our hopes when it's working so when it doesn't, we don't know what to do next because we just assume that it would work and that negative result can leave you feeling like it'll never work for you. I think when we go through our first cycle of treatment, you feel like it's your plan
00:00:59 B and this is your way that you'll get pregnant and if it doesn't work B and this is your way that you'll get pregnant and if it doesn't work unfortunately, then it can leave us feeling will this ever work for us. And that's very difficult to cope with and I think we look for explanations as to why it wasn't successful to help us process it and to help us cope and move forward as well.
00:01:19 I know that a lot of people after getting that negative result feel very alone. You're at the clinic so much until that point and all of a sudden you get that result and then you don't have any more appointments. then you don't have any more appointments. You maybe have a follow-up appointment booked in but in that immediate aftermath of getting that result, you don't necessarily have any contact with the clinic and it can
00:01:40 leave us feeling really alone and I know when we went through our first negative cycle, our first failed cycle, I felt very much like that. I felt very alone after we had that negative result. It can leave you with lots of questions about why it didn't work and is this something you could have done differently which can lead us to feel guilty about things and
00:01:56 could have done differently which can lead us to feel guilty about things and it's important to know that nothing you did has caused this to happen. So first of all, remember that it isn't your fault and it can leave us with questions about well what could we do to help increase our chances? What are the next steps that we have to go through? When can I start again?
00:02:19 What can we do differently next time? I think if we get answers to something, it gives us hope and it makes us feel better because we feel that if we know what happened or the reason why it wasn't successful, we feel that if we know what happened or the reason why it wasn't successful, we can make changes next time to hopefully change that result. On the medical side there may be changes that could be made based on learnings
00:02:39 from this cycle because as a lot of consultants will say, IVF is almost an exploratory treatment because the more you do it, the more you learn which is really hard as a patient to hear because you want it to work first time but they do learn with every cycle that you have so they may be able to make changes based on those learnings but there are also
00:02:57 so they may be able to make changes based on those learnings but there are also questions that you can ask yourself to help you recover and move forward. There's a lot you can think about after you've had that negative result. If you have got a follow-up planned, unfortunately there can be a long waiting time depending on which clinic you're at and the situation, it can be a while that you have to wait to
00:03:20 get some of those follow-up answers. How can you cope immediately after that negative result? Firstly, as I mentioned, allow yourself that time to grieve. Firstly, as I mentioned, allow yourself that time to grieve. It's okay to feel sad and it's perfectly normal so don't try and fight it. If it continues for a while and you're frequently feeling really down and depressed, it is worth it seeking some additional support so maybe speaking to a fertility counsellor
00:03:44 or a therapist who could help you with some of those emotions but it is perfectly normal to be upset and to grieve after a negative result so please allow yourself that time. Take care of yourself, take time out to look after yourself emotionally and physically, physically, treatment can have, take a big toll on our bodies when we're going through it
00:04:05 and that is physically and emotionally. Take some time out to rest and recharge, do things that will help you relax, will help you feel good about yourself, take time out with your partner to talk about how you're both feeling after the result, how you can support each other, what you'd like to do
00:04:24 next, how you'd like to move forward with things, other things you want to find out that one or other of you are both of you feel like you're not 100% on what that one or other of you are both of you feel like you're not 100% on what things do you want to find out together and then use that time to connect and support each other through this loss.
00:04:42 Also, ask questions so if you have questions, try to get answers for all of the questions you've got so you can feel fully informed and able to make decisions about next steps so as I say it could be that you're waiting for a follow up appointment and you have a bit of time to wait for that, you could speak to your clinic if you're wanting bit of time to wait for that, you could speak to your clinic if you're wanting
00:05:00 a bit more information sooner but if you have questions it could even be a case of writing the model and ready for going to your appointment. You can then start thinking about what the right next steps are for you because for some people that will be going straight back into treatment, brothers, it will be a case of
00:05:19 taking time out emotionally or physically or even financially before they can start another cycle or it might be that you want to start investigating other routes to parenthood to parenthood for various reasons. Planning time with close friends, the people who will support you and lift you up, plan
00:05:38 in some time with them, it will give you something to look forward to, it's a bit of a distraction from constantly thinking about fertility treatment and it means you get to spend time with the people that you love as well so it can be a great distraction but choose people who will lift you up and tell them if you don't want to talk about treatment,
00:05:58 if you just want to go and be distracted then tell them that so that they can if you just want to go and be distracted then tell them that so that they can know how to support you as well. And maybe think about attending support group meetings, you will be supported by other lovely people who are know exactly what you're going through and it could even be that you attend
00:06:14 Zoom meetings or you just ask for some advice in the support group and online support group because these are people who understand what you're going through, who won't judge you and will be able to give you really clear information about how they felt and advice on what to do next, just in terms of coping, of the questions you can ask, the on what to do next, just in terms of coping, of the questions you can ask, the
00:06:34 information you can find out. So what questions can you ask yourself after a failed cycle? So first of all, what will help me recover from this failed cycle? And it's tricky talking about it as a failed cycle, make it feel like you've done something wrong and as I say it's definitely not that and this could be when a cycle hasn 't been
00:06:55 successful at any point if you didn't have any fertilised eggs, if you didn't successful at any point if you didn't have any fertilised eggs, if you didn't have any eggs collected, whether you've had a transfer and the result was sadly negative , it can be any point within that cycle is really heartbreaking when it doesn't end in a successful pregnancy test.
00:07:16 So have a think about what will help you recover from that. So maybe think about if you've been through something like a loss or an upset before, there might have been things that you've done to recover from that, that things that have helped you cope that you could use now, some strategies, whether that is have helped you cope that you could use now, some strategies, whether that is seeing friends
00:07:32 to stay distracted, whether that is just taking that time out for self care, self reflection and just doing what you need to do to cope, whether that is journaling about it , whether it's meditation or seeing a therapist, whatever works for you. Maybe use some of those strategies now to help you deal with this. Remember that it's okay to grieve and take that time for yourself and do what you need
00:07:54 to do. So don't feel guilty about trying to take that time out and doing what you need to do for yourself during this time and use your support network and the things that you yourself during this time and use your support network and the things that you know work for you. So as I mentioned, use those support groups to get that valuable, non-judgment
00:08:11 al support. Then have a think about what am I pleased I did during this cycle? So think about the things that you did that helped you feel better going through treatment, whether that is physically or emotionally so that you can then replicate those good things if you decide to have another cycle. So that could be that you really embraced healthy eating.
00:08:26 So that could be that you really embraced healthy eating. You looked for fertility friendly foods, you took supplements, you really cut down on more of the processed and junk foods during it and you feel like actually that made you feel better even in yourself going through treatment. So although it wasn't successful, you still felt better in yourself and you want to carry
00:08:50 on with that. It could be that you really prioritized getting more rest. So going to bed earlier, creating calming bedtime routine so that you get to sleep quicker, sleep quicker, have more restful sleep, things like that. So is there something that you did there that you could replicate? Did you have any add-on treatments?
00:09:11 Now this is a tricky one because add-on treatments vary in proof on whether they are effective at increasing your chance of getting a positive result. But speak to your consultant about that. It might be that you did sit and add-on treatments and you really felt that it It might be that you did sit and add-on treatments and you really felt that it made a difference, whether that is psychologically or whether it did, you feel that it really did
00:09:34 make a difference to your treatment. But have a think about those sorts of things that you did and if there is anything again that you would want to do next time, whether you looked at cancelling or coaching, whether you spoke to a counselor, a coach, a therapist, did you get support through this last round?
00:09:54 Did you find it helpful? If so, it may be worth continuing with your next cycle if you go into further If so, it may be worth continuing with your next cycle if you go into further cycles. Did you go to a support group and found that having peer support from others who understood was really helpful and supportive while you were going through it? Did you go to acupuncture or reflexology or another holistic therapy that you
00:10:16 found was really helpful because it helped you sleep better or it just gave you somebody else to speak to? Did you take time off work to just recharge your batteries, whether that was after your recollection or after your embryo transfer, did you take some time off? recollection or after your embryo transfer, did you take some time off?
00:10:33 So have a think about all the things that you did to make yourself feel better going through that cycle and is there anything you want to continue with if you go on to have further cycles? Then have a think about what can we learn from this failed cycle and based on that information, what could we do differently next time to hopefully increase our chances of
00:10:52 success? So make sure that you go to any follow-up appointment armed with questions so that you can find out if there's anything you can do differently next time to increase can find out if there's anything you can do differently next time to increase your chances of success. So whether that is different medication, whether it is higher dosages, whether
00:11:08 it's using different add-ons, whether it is that you now need to consider the use of donor eggs or sperm or embryos but go with lots of questions because then you can make sure that you are asking everything you want to know, knowing you're going into further cycles, fully prepared and fully informed on what you could do to hopefully increase
00:11:25 fully prepared and fully informed on what you could do to hopefully increase those chances and talk through them with your consultant because they'll be able to advise on your specific situation so it's only your consultant who can help you with that information. So take all the information and speak to them. What's really important to remember is this isn't about placing blame on
00:11:47 yourself or the clinic that they should have done something or you should have done something differently. It's about looking for positive changes that could be made for you to hopefully feel like the outcome could be different and that you've done all you can to help the outcome could be different and that you've done all you can to help increase your chances.
00:12:03 I think even psychologically going into another cycle and knowing you've made slight changes gives you a little bit more hope that this time could have a different result. And also have a think about do we need to take a break from treatment? It can be really tempting to jump straight back into your next cycle. And I was the same after we had our failed cycle because it feels like every month counts and you may have already been trying to get pregnant for a long time counting
00:12:27 and you may have already been trying to get pregnant for a long time counting every month as another month where it hasn't happened. And I know how heartbreaking that can be. So you may feel tempted to just get straight back into it. But it's really important to make sure that you're allowing yourself time to recover so that you can be fully prepared physically and emotionally going into another
00:12:49 cycle. And even to be able to make decisions when you're run down, when you are highly emotional, when you are physically drained, it can be really difficult to make informed choices because you choices because you you quite often just go on instinct and it might be right for you to go straight back into treatment.
00:13:07 But it just have a little think about whether emotionally and physically you are recovered and whether you're ready to take on another cycle because it can be challenging . It is challenging both physically and emotionally and you want to make sure you 're in the best state for going into another cycle. Also, have a think about as a couple what do you think you need to do to be
00:13:25 fully prepared for the next cycle? It's not just one partner in this. for the next cycle? It's not just one partner in this. You both need to feel comfortable and have that discussion about what is right for you. And it might be that financially you need to consider the costs. You have to save up to be able to afford another cycle. Have a think about the emotional impact because it can take a toll on repeated
00:13:49 cycles. Have a think about your age. Do you need to have another cycle quickly because you don't want to miss the cut off age? So there's lots of things that can impact it. So have a chat as a couple and have a think about what is right for you So have a chat as a couple and have a think about what is right for you specifically. And also have a think if you've been through numerous cycles and you've
00:14:06 considered lots of different options, do you want to look at other routes to parenthood? Will that give you the best chance of having a child, whether that is using donors, whether that's looking at surrogacy or adoption and have those conversations, have the conversation with your consultant about the chances and changes you can make so that you feel fully informed to make those big decisions.
00:14:27 that you feel fully informed to make those big decisions. So next steps. Go through all of these questions. Have a think. Discuss them with your partner or a trusted friend if you're going through treatment on your own or even if you're going through it as a couple, you don't have to do this alone . Have a think about them with those around you. Talk through them as a couple. So you feel comfortable in the decisions you're making. Once you've got all
00:14:53 that information, you can then start making informed decisions about what you want to do next. So how soon you want to start? If you want to start another cycle, what things So how soon you want to start? If you want to start another cycle, what things do you want to put in place already? But that is booking, counseling sessions or are really starting to focus on your nutrition and things like that. Because it might be that things you wish
00:15:13 you'd focused a bit more on nutrition or you wish you'd booked time off work. So those things that you wish you'd don't know would like to do differently this time, make a note of those and think about starting to plan those in so that you know you're covered and that you're getting a head start on that. So start on that. So
00:15:30 remember, you don't have to go through this alone. There are so many people that can support you, whether that is support groups, fertility counselors, your friends and family, the fertility community on social media is amazing and you can still remain quite anonymous on there as well. Holistic therapists, your clinic can be a great help as well. So have a think about what support you'd like to have and what changes you'd like to make going into the
00:15:59 cycle if you go on cycle if you go on for a further cycle and what things you'd like to keep the same. So thank you. I hope you've found this helpful. Please reach out if you have any other question you can find me in all these different places.
