Many couples notice that sexual desire in relationships changes over time. What once felt immediate can become more influenced by stress, routine or emotional distance. These shifts are normal and often reflect the natural patterns of how desire works rather than a lack of attraction. When partners understand these patterns, it becomes easier to reconnect and feel close again.
A big part of this understanding comes from recognising the difference between sensuality vs sexuality. Sensuality focuses on comfort, presence and the senses, while sexuality focuses more on physical intimacy. When couples learn how these two experiences shape desire, they can create an environment where intimacy feels easier and more natural.
Quick answer: Spontaneous vs responsive desire describes two normal ways people experience arousal. Spontaneous desire appears quickly and often starts with a visual or mental spark. Responsive desire develops more slowly and usually needs emotional or physical stimulation before interest grows. Many people in long term relationships experience responsive desire more often, and both patterns are healthy.
In the early stages of a relationship, partners often feel intensely drawn to each other. There is a strong chemical process that gives people energy, excitement and a sense of pleasure. This is why new couples often feel more awake, need less food and sometimes find it difficult to sleep. The early phase is powerful and can feel almost like a state of psychosis because the brain is flooded with chemicals that heighten everything.
As time passes, this intense chemical response settles. Many women experience a decrease in desire after the first year, but their need for sensual connection does not decrease. If sensuality is present, desire can return naturally. If sensuality is missing, sexual interest often fades. This shows how important it is to understand the deeper patterns behind desire. Sensual connection becomes the path that leads many women toward feeling sexual again.
These changes are normal. No two humans have the same desire patterns. Some people expect to feel desire all the time, but this is not realistic. It is common to experience fluctuations. What matters is learning what turns you on, what turns you off and how the surrounding context influences your desire.
Spontaneous desire is the type most people recognise from media. Someone sees something sexual, thinks about it for a moment and feels aroused almost instantly. This type of desire starts in the mind. The eyes notice something, the brain labels it as sexual and the body reacts quickly. People with spontaneous desire can feel turned on by a wide range of visual or mental cues.
Responsive desire follows a different pattern. A person may not feel sexual at the beginning, but interest grows once emotional or physical stimulation begins. Responsive desire often depends on mood, comfort and connection. It may start with a gentle touch, deep relaxation or simply being present with a partner. For some, desire begins in the body. For others, it begins in the heart or mind. There is no right or wrong way to experience desire.
Both spontaneous and responsive desire are completely normal. Many people fall somewhere in the middle. The key is understanding where you naturally belong and how your partner experiences desire. When partners learn these patterns, intimacy becomes less confusing and more enjoyable.
Sensuality and sexuality work together but they play different roles. Sensuality focuses on awakening the senses. This includes touch, smell, taste, sound and the overall atmosphere of the moment. When someone is stressed, tired or distracted, sensuality is the first thing to disappear. This is why people who are overwhelmed or busy often struggle to feel desire.
Sexuality is more focused on the physical side of intimacy. It includes nudity, orgasms, genital touch and penetration. Many people try to go straight into sexuality without realising the body needs sensuality first. The skin is an important part of this. It is the largest erotic organ in the body and can determine whether a touch feels good or not. The nervous system constantly reads the quality of touch and sends signals to the brain about whether something feels inviting or uncomfortable.
If a partner moves too quickly toward sexual touch, the body might shut down. If the touch is slow, patient and curious, sensuality can rise. This is especially important for women who often need time, body awareness and emotional safety before they feel sexual. When couples understand the difference between sensuality and sexuality, they can create a more comfortable and supportive path toward desire.
Sensuality is closely linked to desire because it prepares the body and mind to receive pleasure. A partner who feels relaxed, comfortable and present will have a much easier time accessing desire. The way someone touches the body influences how the brain responds. If the touch is too direct or sexual too soon, the nervous system may interpret it as overwhelming. When touch is gentle and patient, desire becomes easier to reach.
The surrounding environment also plays a major role. A messy room, harsh lighting, loud noise or distracting screens can make desire difficult. On the other hand, a clean space, warm lighting and a calm atmosphere support sensual connection. Stress is another strong factor. When stress is high, desire drops quickly. Couples who are trying to conceive may experience stress that makes intimacy feel like a task rather than a moment of connection. This is why relaxing the environment can make a real difference.
There are five erotic languages that describe how people naturally respond to intimacy. These categories help partners recognise their patterns and understand how to support each other.
Sexual
Turned on by direct sexual cues. These individuals respond well to nudity, genitals and quick physical connection. They do not always need patience or build up.
Sensual
Needs sensory awakening. This person needs time, relaxation and calm. They can be easily distracted by stress, noise or tension. Smell, touch and atmosphere matter a lot.
Energetic
Needs longing or build up. Touch should come last. This type enjoys teasing, anticipation and emotional energy. Sometimes they can experience pleasure or even orgasm without physical contact.
Kinky
Turned on by taboo or playfulness. This can include imagination, power dynamics, costumes or other forms of role play. They need to feel safe to explore this side of themselves.
Shapeshifter
Able to experience all erotic types. This person is flexible and enjoys variety. They can adapt to sexual, sensual, energetic or kinky experiences depending on the moment.
Most women lean toward sensual or energetic styles, but everyone is unique. Understanding each other’s erotic type gives couples a language to describe their needs more clearly.
Talking about sex can feel uncomfortable for many couples, but open communication strengthens intimacy. Many people only discuss sex when something feels wrong, which creates a negative association. A better approach is to talk when both partners feel calm and open.
Writing down turn ons and turn offs can make it easier to share without fear. Couples who talk in a positive way build safety and trust. Over time, this helps desire grow because the brain begins to link intimacy with comfort rather than pressure.
A desire friendly environment makes a real difference. The state of the bedroom matters. A clean room, soft lighting and fewer distractions support sensuality. Screens and phones often pull attention away from each other, so removing them can help partners stay present.
Stress and food also influence desire. Eating heavy meals late at night or going to bed feeling overwhelmed can lower interest in intimacy. Light meals, calm evenings and gentle routines support sensual connection. These lifestyle choices align with Conceivio’s broader focus on emotional and physical wellbeing.
These four exercises help couples reconnect and understand their bodies better.
1. Build self esteem
Spend time looking at yourself in the mirror and noticing how you feel. When you train your brain to see your body with more kindness, pleasure becomes easier.
2. Have weekly intimacy talks
Set aside 45 minutes each week to talk about sex in a positive way. This helps remove fear and creates a safe space for curiosity.
3. Explore non sexual touch
Lie down with your partner and explore gentle, non sexual touch. Learn what feels good and what does not. This helps couples reconnect without pressure.
4. Learn your erotic language
Use your erotic type as a guide. Recognising your natural pattern makes it easier to understand what you need and how to support your partner.
Understanding how desire works creates space for partners to feel closer and more connected. When couples recognise their own patterns, whether they lean toward spontaneous or responsive desire, they can approach intimacy with more patience and less pressure. Sensuality, environment, body awareness and open communication all play important roles in awakening desire and helping partners feel safe and present with each other.
Exploring erotic types, practising positive conversations and learning how touch influences the nervous system can transform the way partners relate. Small steps like creating a calm space, reducing stress and getting to know your own turn ons and turn offs make intimacy easier and more enjoyable. The exercises shared here support self esteem, connection and playful curiosity, which all help desire grow naturally.
Every person is different, and it is normal for desire to change over time. What matters most is understanding yourself and sharing that understanding with your partner. With awareness, kindness and a willingness to explore, couples can build a deeper bond and create moments that feel meaningful and satisfying for both.
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00:00:00 Welcome to this video about how to discover sensuality. Okay, so first I will talk about a survey from Germany who was really important to us about what we're going to talk about. There was 1,900 couples in this survey and they were highly in love and the There was 1,900 couples in this survey and they were highly in love and the first year they saw that both of them have exactly high sex drive.
00:00:40 They were the same. But the sire decreased after one year for the women. So what we also know is that what didn't discreased was that they really want to be essential with their partner. So if it was lack of sensuality they were not sexual. So if it was lack of sensuality they were not sexual. But if they had sensuality with their partner they become to be more sexual.
00:01:10 So this means that a lot of women will need this to get sexual with their partner. They need to be central. They need to have the soul and the body and the patience to get there. So it's not strange because in all relationships when it's a new relationship So it's not strange because in all relationships when it's a new relationship we have a chemical process in our brain that gives us pleasure.
00:01:40 So falling in love is also the closest we get to psychosis. And we also get more dizzy when we're in love. We don't need so much sleep and we also don't need so much food. But that is in the beginning of our relationship, right? So many people in the world expects us to always be in love and always have So many people in the world expects us to always be in love and always have this sire. So no human are the same, right?
00:02:14 So what we have to learn about ourselves is to understand what is making you on and what is your offs. That is really important for you to learn. And you also have to learn how the context around you, the environment affects And you also have to learn how the context around you, the environment affects your sexuality because that is also what we're talking about when we have these two offs.
00:02:38 This is the context around you who affects your desire. So it's really important to understand yourself how does this affect me. And we also have to normalize everything. It's really common. It's so uncommon that it's not normal to have desire all the time. It's normal. It's okay. But many people who have a partner who has a lot of desire, they think that
00:02:58 But many people who have a partner who has a lot of desire, they think that there is something wrong with them. But you just don't have the same and it's okay. And we have to learn about what is spontaneous desire for you and what is responsible desire for you because you can have each of them. You can be spontaneous.
00:03:23 That means that you get really, really horny when you look at something sexual. That means that you get really, really horny when you look at something sexual. It's your partner. Maybe it's porn. It can be whatever. But if you're spontaneous, you see with your eyes and then it's what you think about sex, which is waking up and then you are getting turned on.
00:03:48 So if you're spontaneous, your eyes will be very, how to say this in English. Your eyes will be really there. Your eyes will be really there. So it means that whatever in the world can make you turn on, if the eyes sensing those to the brain that this is something sexually. So if you're responsive, that means that you have to get stimulated to get turned on.
00:04:21 So it doesn't mean to get stimulated in your genitals. It means stimulated in your head or in your body or maybe also your genitals. It means stimulated in your head or in your body or maybe also your genitals. It depends how you are turned on. So both of this is really normal and you can be each of them or you can be in the middle. You can be both also. So it's really important to understand who am I in this.
00:04:47 And about women's sexuality, it's really important to learn all of these five because men and women are really different. And I don't say that it's more difficult to be a woman, but women needs more And I don't say that it's more difficult to be a woman, but women needs more time very often. So what's also important is to talk about sex.
00:05:17 And what I see with a lot of couples coming here or talking with me online is that people talk about sex in a negative way. And that affects the way that the brain thinks about sex. And that affects the way that the brain thinks about sex. So that means that you don't want to have sex because it's something negative. We're going to talk about something difficult. Why are we going to do that?
00:05:40 And that will also affect your desire to your partner. So it's so important to talk about sex in a positive attitude rather than sex negative. To get more interest in sex. And you also have to talk with your partner. If you have a partner, what is sex for you? If you have a partner, what is sex for you? What do you want sex to be for you?
00:06:03 What are your turn ons? And what doesn't turn you on? You can also write this down and talk to your partner about this. It's so important. You need to know this. And what I want to tell you is that the skin and brain are working together. So the skin are the largest erotical organ we have. We have so many sounds.
00:06:28 We have so many sounds. And the way you touch the body will affect your desire if you want to have it or not. So an example on this, it's also your nerve system. You have the nerve system from your head through the body. And it will also sense the way your partner is touching you. So if you are with your partner and you really want to be sensual and your partner wants
00:06:58 partner wants to be sexual with you, maybe your partner is touching your genitals or just touching your penis or your breast or whatever, then the brain will code that touch on the skin right and send a signal to the brain and tells if this is on or offs. So do you see we have two offs and one on. So that's why it's really important to know what turns you on and not.
00:07:29 So the brain is the largest sexual organ we have. So the brain is the largest sexual organ we have. So the brain and the skin communicate with each other. And now I'm going to talk about something that is really, really exciting. We have five erotic language. Have you heard about the five love language? The way you make you feel. How do you feel loved?
00:07:54 Right? We have five different language. We also have five different ways speaking turn on with us. We also have five different ways speaking turn on with us. So the concept has been created in the United States with award winning sexual logic Jia. And these are categories on erotic language that describes the erotic nature of you.
00:08:22 Right? So if you learn more about sexuality, this will be category of sides in five different different language. So it's really important to know where you are in this because you can dance with your partner and experience a whole new sex life.
00:08:43 So this is the five each. So I'm going to take you through this. So I want to say a little bit more about erotic language. You can use it awake, your sexuality and your desire. You can use it awake, your sexuality and your desire. So that is so important. And we have, you see the first one is the sexual one. And that is also the one that society teaches us to be.
00:09:14 Important we have sexual rights. So that means that you get turned on what you think of sex, rights, orgasm, penetration, withdrawal, nude, nude. You would like to touch and look maybe right on the genitals and maybe it will You would like to touch and look maybe right on the genitals and maybe it will go faster than need that patience, you don't need that time.
00:09:40 So that is the sexual. That is just one of these five. And then you have sensual, who I have talked a little bit about. You get turned on by awakening all of your senses. Your smell, your taste, your side touch, whatever. Explore all of your senses. Explore all of your senses. And sensual is easily distracted by everyday life and needs to learn to relax.
00:10:07 So being in the body is the way to get pleasure. So if you're stressed, if you're tired, if you're thinking about something, this will affect your desire very easily. So the context around you. And if you have a good day, it's very important about this. And sensual also needs patience. And you have the energetic, the third one, means that you need to long to
00:10:29 And you have the energetic, the third one, means that you need to long to return on. So if you have a partner that is really turned on fast, you will not have this longing. So that will turn you off. You need to be the one who are longing for this. So everything is about what happens before the touch, the energy in the wound, how this
00:10:59 person makes you feel, the play, everything. person makes you feel, the play, everything. So the foreplay can be one week, one day, many hours. But the touch is always coming at last. That is so important for the energetic. So just give a little bit, don't play too much, work with energy and atmosphere . And if you're energetic, the orgasm can come without touching.
00:11:26 And if you're energetic, the orgasm can come without touching. You can just think about what turns you on. Maybe you are on your cell phone and your partner are away in another country. You can have plays not touching each other and that will turn you on, right? Maybe. So the kinky one, it's turning on your taboo. So what is taboo for you in your imagination becomes your turn on. So it can be toys, it can be clubs, it can be in imagination, role playing, it
00:11:54 So it can be toys, it can be clubs, it can be in imagination, role playing, it can be whatever. So if you're kinky, you have a lot of things you can play with. And if you have a partner that is not kinky, maybe that will be difficult for you. So this is really important to talk about. So when you know each other's language, it's easier to get turned on and dance
00:12:26 together. And the fifth is the shape shifter. And the fifth is the shape shifter. That means that you turn on by everything. You can be a really flexible partner and maybe toys, maybe energy, maybe sens ual, maybe sexual. You might fit in at all. So what I see is that woman, very many women is energetic and sensual.
00:12:56 But that is the way of going in the foreplay needs to be sensual. But that is the way of going in the foreplay needs to be sensual. And the way they are inside of their heart is also affected by that. But it's not like that for everybody, remember that. A woman can also be a sexual and kinky. It's normal to be a little bit of everybody. The most important thing is to know what turns you on from the start. So what are you going to play with in the fourth play?
00:13:27 Are you going to start sensual or kinky? Are you going to start sensual or kinky? Right? That is so important to know about. So here you can take a picture of this. I have some tools for you because what I'm talking about here is that the context, it's important for the desire if you're not a very sexual person.
00:13:53 And when you're trying to have kids, sex can be something that also is exhausting or boring. exhausting or boring. So this is the way of having your home life to get more in the mood. So the food depends. The mess in your home, the light in the bedroom, is it clean or not? The stress inside. How is the bedroom?
00:14:16 Do you have cell phones in your room? What do you eat before you go to bed? These things are really important for your sex drive. So take a picture of this and take it with you. There are some free tools from me. There are some free tools from me. So here you also have four tools from me. Here are exercises.
00:14:46 So you can also take a picture of this exercise and practice at home. So the first exercise, you see, it's about your self-esteem. You have to realize the way you're feeling about your body because how can you You have to realize the way you're feeling about your body because how can you pleasure others if you don't pleasure yourself and not love yourself. So take a look at this exercise and I hope you will do it because the brain is magical.
00:15:18 If you're doing exercises, the training, the brain, how you see yourself in the mirror, that's so important. And I promise you it will work if you do it enough. And exercise number two is to talk about sex. And exercise number two is to talk about sex. Create an arena in your home to talk 45 minutes every week. And it's so important that you're talking in a positive way because how can you
00:15:47 want to have this conversation if you know that it maybe will be a negative. So that is also important. You need positive experience about talking about sex. Then it will be fun. Then it will be fun. And exercise number three, play with your skin and senses. Explore what you like and don't like in a non-sexual way.
00:16:10 Feel free to lay down and learn about the essential contact and find out that pleasure and feelings and what is going on between your new partner is not all about sex . And number four, explore which language you have and use it as a guide in your And number four, explore which language you have and use it as a guide in your sex life. So this can be the way to have more delicious sex and have better relationship
00:16:45 with your partner. You can get closer together. So if you want to know more about that, you can contact me because I can help you with that. And I also can help you a lot with everything I have talking about here today. And I also can help you a lot with everything I have talking about here today.
00:17:05 So here is where you can contact me. My website is shallastroperten.com. You're free to talk to me. And also you can book me inside the app. I prefer that. And you can find me in my social media, shallastroperten.no. And you can find me in my social media, shallastroperten.no. So thank you so much for being here with me today.
00:17:34 I'm so happy that you have watched my videos and I'm looking forward to see you if we're going to talk some more. Good luck with your future and your goals and your dreams. Bye. [BLANK_AUDIO]
