Infertility can leave you feeling powerless in ways you never expected. The constant uncertainty, the emotional highs and lows, and the long stretches of waiting can make it feel as though your life is being placed on hold. Many people describe infertility as a loss of control, especially when medical treatments and outcomes feel unpredictable, a reality that is particularly common in cases of unexplained infertility where clear answers are hard to find.
A large part of the struggle comes from recognising that there is very little you can do to guarantee a specific result. Much of fertility treatment, particularly the medical side, sits outside your control. That reality can feel overwhelming and, at times, deeply unsettling. When so much depends on appointments, procedures, and professional decisions, it is easy to feel disconnected from your own journey.
Quick answer: Coping with infertility becomes more manageable when you focus on the areas where you still have control. While you cannot control every aspect of fertility or treatment outcomes, you can influence how you prepare, how you care for yourself emotionally and physically, how you manage stress, and how you advocate for your needs. These choices can help you feel calmer, more grounded, and better equipped to navigate the journey.
Infertility often brings with it a feeling of having to hand your future over to other people. Appointments, tests, and treatments can dominate your calendar, while results and decisions are often out of your hands. This lack of predictability can make it difficult to plan ahead or feel secure in the present.
Emotionally, infertility can feel like a rollercoaster. One moment you may feel hopeful, and the next you may feel discouraged or exhausted. The constant waiting, whether it is for test results, procedures, or the next stage of treatment, can heighten anxiety and create a sense that life is happening around you rather than with you.
Recognising that these feelings are a common response to infertility is important. Feeling out of control does not mean you are failing. It reflects how demanding and emotionally complex this journey can be.
A difficult but necessary part of coping with infertility is accepting that some aspects of treatment are outside your control. Medical outcomes, how your body responds, and the timing of success are not things you can fully manage, no matter how prepared or informed you are.
Accepting this does not mean giving up. It means acknowledging that certain elements need to be placed in the hands of medical professionals who are guiding your care. While this can feel scary, it can also be a relief to stop placing unrealistic pressure on yourself to control everything.
What matters is recognising that even within this uncertainty, there are still meaningful choices you can make. Focusing on those choices can restore a sense of balance and calm.
When infertility feels overwhelming, it can help to step back and look at the areas of your life where you do have influence. These are often smaller, everyday decisions, but together they can make a significant difference to how you cope.
One helpful starting point is to write down what feels overwhelming. This could include worries about treatment costs, juggling work around appointments, fear of injections, or confusion about recommended procedures. Putting these worries on paper helps move them out of your head and makes them easier to address.
Once you have a list, you can begin to separate what you can act on from what you cannot. This process alone can create a sense of order when everything feels chaotic.
After identifying your worries, the next step is deciding what actions might help. Some concerns may require gathering more information, while others may benefit from delegation or simply letting go.
For example, if finances are a major source of stress, you might take control by tracking costs, planning payments, or discussing options with your partner. If work is causing anxiety, you may explore how to organise appointments more effectively or ask for support where possible.
There may also be items on your list that are not truly important right now. Removing these can lighten your mental load and help you focus on what genuinely matters during treatment.
Lifestyle is one area where many people feel they can take back some control. Rather than aiming for perfection, the goal is to create habits that support both physical and emotional wellbeing during treatment.
Nutrition is often a focus. A balanced diet that supports fertility can help you feel more prepared physically, but it is important not to let food choices become another source of stress. If nutrition feels overwhelming, seeking guidance from a qualified professional can help you feel informed without becoming consumed by rules.
Gentle, regular exercise can also play a role in coping with infertility. Activities such as walking, yoga, or swimming may help reduce stress and support overall health. What feels right may change at different stages of treatment, so it is important to listen to guidance and to your own body.
Lifestyle changes should support you, not drain you. If trying to do everything “right” leaves you feeling anxious or guilty, it may be time to reassess. Coping with infertility is not about constant self-monitoring or pressure.
There are also lifestyle factors known to negatively affect fertility, such as smoking, excessive caffeine, alcohol, and drug use. Reducing or removing these can be a positive step, but it is okay to approach change gradually and with support.
Rest is equally important. Prioritising sleep and creating calming routines can help your body recover and your mind settle. Setting boundaries around your time and energy, including saying no to draining commitments, is another way to protect your wellbeing.
Mindset plays a powerful role in how you cope with infertility. Negative thought patterns can quickly spiral, especially during stressful periods of treatment. Becoming aware of these patterns is the first step in addressing them.
Many people find it helpful to write down recurring worries or self-critical thoughts. Seeing them on paper can help you question whether they are helpful or even true. For example, thoughts like “I won’t cope with this” may feel convincing in the moment but often overlook your resilience and capacity to adapt.
Replacing unhelpful thoughts with more supportive ones can shift how you experience treatment. Affirmations or reframed statements can help you respond differently when anxiety rises.
Reframing does not mean pretending everything is fine. It means choosing language that supports you rather than undermines you. Instead of focusing on perceived weaknesses, reframing highlights effort and care.
For instance, replacing “I’m not strong enough for this” with “I’m doing everything I can to support myself through this” can change how you feel in difficult moments. Repeating these reframed thoughts when anxiety arises can help interrupt negative cycles.
This approach aligns closely with broader strategies discussed in Conceivio’s resources on emotional wellbeing and fertility stress, including how emotional strain can shape the fertility journey and how self-compassion plays a role in coping.
Emotional wellbeing is a central part of coping with infertility. Feelings such as sadness, frustration, jealousy, and grief are common and valid. Judging yourself for having these emotions often adds another layer of distress.
Being kind to yourself means allowing space for how you feel without criticism. Infertility can be emotionally demanding, and it is okay to acknowledge that reality.
Planning time with people who uplift and support you can help balance difficult periods. This might include close friends, family members, or simply activities that bring comfort and distraction during challenging stages such as the two-week wait.
Support can take many forms, and what feels helpful varies from person to person. Some people find comfort in speaking openly with trusted friends, while others prefer the anonymity of online communities.
What matters is feeling understood and supported, not judged. Surrounding yourself with people who respect your boundaries and emotions can make a significant difference.
At the same time, it is okay to limit who you share your journey with. Setting boundaries protects your emotional wellbeing and helps you conserve energy during treatment.
For some, professional support can be invaluable. Fertility counsellors, therapists, or other trained professionals can help you process complex emotions, especially if your journey has been long or involved loss.
In addition to talking therapies, some people explore holistic approaches as part of emotional support. Practices such as reflexology or acupuncture are often used to promote relaxation and emotional balance. These approaches are typically considered supportive tools rather than solutions, but they can help some people feel more grounded.
Seeking support is not a sign of weakness. It is an act of self-care and self-advocacy.
Infertility does not affect individuals in isolation. It can place strain on relationships, particularly if communication becomes focused solely on treatment and stress.
Making time to talk openly about feelings, needs, and expectations can help couples navigate this period together. Supporting each other emotionally and practically can reduce feelings of isolation.
Finding moments of connection outside of treatment, even small ones, can help maintain balance and remind you that your relationship is more than the fertility journey.
Practical preparation can also restore a sense of control. Learning about clinics, treatment options, and available support allows you to make informed decisions rather than feeling overwhelmed by information during appointments.
Writing down questions before consultations can help you feel more confident and ensure your concerns are addressed. Bringing a notebook to appointments allows you to record information, which can be especially helpful when emotions run high.
Using reputable sources of information is key. Clinics, regulated fertility organisations, and trusted healthcare professionals can help you stay informed without adding unnecessary confusion.
For those self-funding treatment, finances can be a major source of stress. Tracking costs, planning payments, and understanding funding options can provide clarity and reduce anxiety.
Time management is another area where structure can help. Organising appointments, medication schedules, and work commitments in advance can make treatment feel more manageable.
Having systems in place, even simple ones, can create a sense of stability when other aspects of fertility feel uncertain.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, creating an action plan can help you move forward. This does not need to involve big changes. Small, manageable steps are often more sustainable.
Start by listing areas where you would like to feel more in control. Then break these into smaller actions that feel achievable. If a step feels too big, breaking it down further can make it less intimidating.
Remember that infertility does not define you. While you may not be able to control every outcome, you can still shape how you live, cope, and care for yourself during this time.
Coping with infertility is not about forcing certainty where none exists. It is about recognising the areas where your choices still matter and using them to support your wellbeing.
By focusing on mindset, emotional care, lifestyle balance, and practical preparation, you can create a sense of control even when outcomes remain uncertain. These steps can help you feel calmer, more grounded, and more resilient as you move through treatment.
Infertility may shape part of your life, but it does not have to take over all of it. Reclaiming control is about living alongside the journey, not being consumed by it.
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00:00:00 Hi, I'm Sarah Banks and in this video I'm going to be talking about how you can take back control while you're going through infertility and fertility treatments. So unfortunately, infertility is a journey that can leave people feeling really out of control, whether that's the unpredictability of treatments, whether that's the rollercoaster of emotions that you're feeling, the constant waiting and feeling like you're
00:00:21 having to put your future in the hands of other people. There's not much you can do to improve your chances or to guarantee that you There's not much you can do to improve your chances or to guarantee that you will get pregnant so people feel very out of control. It can feel really overwhelming and disheartening because so much of the process is out of our
00:00:38 hands, especially on the medical side. And I know personally how important it is to feel like you can take some control during this journey. So hopefully the strategies that I share in this video will help you take back control and help bring a sense of calm and focus to you as well. So as I said, going through IVF, unfortunately you need to accept that the
00:00:56 So as I said, going through IVF, unfortunately you need to accept that the medical side of treatment is very much out of your control. You can, and as I'll go on to talk about, you can take control of parts of that process in terms of adhering to your treatment plans, but you have to accept that some of that control has to be given over to the professionals who are there to help you.
00:01:17 And it can feel really overwhelming and quite scary. You can make choices to help you cope through treatment and ensure that you're in the best state both physically and emotionally to start treatment. state both physically and emotionally to start treatment. And when you feel like you're lacking control going through this journey, have a think about the different areas of your life where you do have control over the choices
00:01:38 that you can make so that then you can start thinking about making the right choices to aid your journey. So as many people do, if you're feeling overwhelmed as you're about to start fertility treatment, a great way to identify the things that you're worrying about and things you're
00:01:55 feeling overwhelmed about is to write everything down. So is it the cost of paying for treatment if you're self-funding? So is it the cost of paying for treatment if you're self-funding? Is it how you can juggle work around treatment? Is it that you're just feeling overwhelmed and don't really understand the process of the treatment you've been advised to have? So you're concerned about that and that's making you feel overwhelmed or the
00:02:16 thought of having to injection yourself. So every time you find yourself worrying write down how you're feeling and what it is you're worrying about so you can start to address that. Because once you've got your list, you can start to think about how you can Because once you've got your list, you can start to think about how you can take action
00:02:30 and take control to make yourself feel better about some of those worries. So once you've got your list, other things that you could delegate to your partner, if you're the one that's going through the physical part of treatment, so could they do the research, could they take care of the finances? If there's something that you feel you don't fully understand, then where can you find
00:02:51 out more information? Who can you ask so that you start to feel more informed and comfortable with what you're about to go through? And what can you cross off your list? Because really it isn't important and I think we can all be guilty of adding Because really it isn't important and I think we can all be guilty of adding things to our
00:03:03 list that aren't necessarily important. And what can you cross off while you're going through this? There's just a certain point in your life. It'll help you feel more in control and better able to cope through treatment. So in terms of the ways you can take control, there are a few areas. So firstly, lifestyle. So think about your nutrition. So focus on a balanced nutrition rich diet that supports fertility.
00:03:28 So there's lots of information out there on what foods are good for fertility, So there's lots of information out there on what foods are good for fertility, such as foods that are rich in antioxidants, healthy fats and lean proteins. If you feel overwhelmed with this and you're not sure, then consider consulting with a nutritionist so that you can get specific advice for your situation. And there's lots of places online and lots of information that you can find.
00:03:51 Just make sure you're looking at reputable source for it. So have a think about how you can take control of your nutrition to be in the best state to go through treatment without letting it overtake your life, I would say, so to go through treatment without letting it overtake your life, I would say, so that you don't then create problems on an emotional mindset space because you're worrying that
00:04:10 you're not doing things right. So think about the exercise you can do. So gentle and regular exercise, such as walking, yoga, swimming, is great for reducing stress and boosting your overall health. This will change at different points through treatment. So speak to your consultant about what they'd advise at certain points. But exercise is a great way for looking after your physical and mental
00:04:29 But exercise is a great way for looking after your physical and mental wellbeing. Consider your lifestyle choices. So there are things that are proven to negatively impact on your fertility, such as smoking, caffeine, alcohol and drugs. So work on cutting down or ideally giving up the things that can negatively impact on
00:04:49 it. Again, if that feels overwhelming, think about how you can do it. Who could support you in making those changes? Take the recommended supplements and again, your clinic can advise you on this. Take the recommended supplements and again, your clinic can advise you on this. So you are making sure that you're taking the things that are right for you and that won't impact on your treatment.
00:05:06 Prioritize getting enough rest so that your body can rest and recharge. So creating a calming and soothing bedtime routine can help you improve your sleep quality and make sure you're getting enough rest for going through treatment. And set boundaries around your time as well. If things drain you, then it's okay to say no and to avoid doing things that are a drain on your time and your energy.
00:05:28 Secondly, have a think about your mindset. Secondly, have a think about your mindset. So make time for the things that help you relax and help you recharge your batteries. And everybody's different. So it's working out what is right for you. So have a think about that. Make a list of it and start planning some of those things into your diary as
00:05:44 well. You can manage the negative thoughts. And I know personally from my own experience and speaking to the thousands of women that I support that it can end up in a bit of a negative spiral. So it's really important to identify those patterns of negativity. Is there something specific that you're worrying about all the time? Is there something specific that you're worrying about all the time?
00:06:01 Does that set off a spiral? Is it lots of different things? So make a note of all the negative thoughts that you're having. So you can start to address them. Once you've got that list, have a think about firstly, are they helpful? So are you telling yourself things that actually are harming your emotional well-being and whether they're actually true.
00:06:19 So saying things to yourself like, I'm never going to be able to cope through the injections can be really harmful. It's not helpful. It's not true because as much as you may not like injections, there are ways It's not true because as much as you may not like injections, there are ways around it and all that it's doing is adding to your anxiousness about it.
00:06:35 So if they're not helpful and they're not true, give yourself permission to let go of some of those thoughts and find ways around it, find solutions to them. We can do that through making a list and having a think about who can help me, where can I find that information? Have a think about setting some affirmation so there can be a really great way of reframing
00:06:54 some of those negative thoughts into a more helpful thought pattern. So as you've done it in the last exercise I discussed, once you've got your So as you've done it in the last exercise I discussed, once you've got your list and you've identified some of those negative thought patterns and worries, you can think about how you would rather be feeling a positive statement around those that you can repeat
00:07:11 every time that you feel a bit wobbly around it. So if you're saying to yourself, I'm not strong enough to get through treatment , try reframing that into something like, I am doing everything I can to be in the best state possible, emotionally and physically for going through treatment. And whenever you find yourself having those thoughts, you can then keep And whenever you find yourself having those thoughts, you can then keep
00:07:30 repeating that affirmation to yourself. Then we move on to emotional wellbeing. So first of all, be kind to yourself, don't judge yourself feeling guilty or jealous. It's normal to feel upset, to feel frustrated, to feel jealous of your friends and family members who seem to fall pregnant so easily and a whole range of other feelings
00:07:54 . It's really normal and it's okay. You can add another layer of guilt to yourself by feeling bad for having those You can add another layer of guilt to yourself by feeling bad for having those feelings. It's just really important to think about what you need to do to make sure your emotional wellbeing is being looked after.
00:08:08 So a planning time to see friends that lift you up, that will support you and distract you, especially during some of the more challenging points of treatment. So during the two week wait, after you've had some of the more invasive procedures, things like that. So planning time to see those friends, whether it's a call, whether it's meeting up with
00:08:29 them, just make sure you're leaving or giving yourself time to see people that them, just make sure you're leaving or giving yourself time to see people that lift you up and things that lift you up as well. Make sure you're planning in regular time for self-care activities as well that bring you joy and help recharge your batteries. So things that will help alleviate that emotional strain of treatment.
00:08:46 So maybe plan out in my IVF positivity planner. For example, I have a daily plan of things that make me happy so that you're planning it in because you're much more likely to make sure it happens if you've planned it in your diary. diary. Really important, build a support network around yourself.
00:09:04 So surround yourself whether that's virtually or physically with people who understand how you're feeling that won't judge you and that will support you during this challenging time. So that could be really understanding friends that you feel you can talk openly and honestly with. It could be a support group online where you feel you can be much more anonymous and
00:09:22 you can talk freely about how you're jealous of your sister, your best friend who's just fallen pregnant really easily without feeling that you're going to be judged fallen pregnant really easily without feeling that you're going to be judged and set boundaries. So create emotional boundaries by limiting who you share your journey with just to protect your emotional well-being.
00:09:38 So if you think there'll be somebody who'll be quite negative about it or will be a bit intrusive, it's okay to set boundaries and you don't have to tell everybody what you're going through. Seek professional support if you're struggling and need some support with those deeper emotions, especially if you've been on quite a long journey or you're really struggling
00:09:56 or you've been through losses previously. Fertility counselors can be amazing for this and there's lots of different Fertility counselors can be amazing for this and there's lots of different people who could help you psychotherapists, counselors and even holistic therapists can be a great support for you.
00:10:11 And look at holistic well-being supports, an additional support tool for you, so reflex ology and acupuncture are reported to be helpful from an emotional well-being perspective as well as having physical benefits. So it's, and they're also good for talking therapies as well. So you could maybe have a look at whether these would be something that's So you could maybe have a look at whether these would be something that's
00:10:31 helpful for you. And then find ways to cope as a couple. So keep talking about how you're feeling about treatment, what support you need and what you can do together to help each other cope through treatment. And then lastly, practical. So do your research on clinics, on treatment options, on the add-ons available,
00:10:51 the support available so that you know what's right for you. You can take control of that. Read up on the different treatment processes so that if you do book an Read up on the different treatment processes so that if you do book an appointment to consider assisted reproduction, then you understand the different types of treatment and you can
00:11:07 go to your appointments fully prepared with questions that you have and know that you're making informed decisions about your future and your treatment as well. If you're feeling overwhelmed from a treatment's perspective, then write down all your questions and you can take those to your appointments and get the answers. And I'd really recommend taking a notebook with those questions written down, but also
00:11:28 so you can write the answers because it can be highly emotional in these so you can write the answers because it can be highly emotional in these appointments. And sometimes when you're being given a lot of information, it can be difficult to remember everything. So taking a notebook can really help you remember those important bits of information and help
00:11:42 you feel more comfortable with it as well. You can also look for information from reputable sources. So ask a clinic, speak into a cancer if it's more on an emotional side, visit in a reputable fertility website, visit in the HFVA website, which is a great source of information because it's the regulator for fertility treatment in the UK. it's the regulator for fertility treatment in the UK.
00:12:03 If you are self-funding treatment, you can take control of your finances, so keeping track of finances and the different payments, having a plan for funding IVF and just other areas of your life because it's really great to not just put all your focus on to going through fertility treatment. It might be that by tracking your finances, you can see if you can work out
00:12:26 having a little weekend away or just something to help while you're going through the little weekend away or just something to help while you're going through the treatment journey, just to spend time as a couple or to just bring you a bit of joy and time away from fertility treatment. And time management, so plan ahead and organize your appointments, your
00:12:44 medications and treatment so that you feel less overwhelmed by the process. You can take control of where you're storing your medication or a plan for managing it around work if you travel. So having structure can just help with that sense of control when you're going through treatment.
00:12:59 treatment. So as an action plan, if you are feeling a bit lacking in the control department at the minute, grab a notebook and a pen and start thinking about the different ways that you can take control because once you've got that list, you can start working through it and it doesn't have to be big steps.
00:13:16 If something feels like too big and overwhelming a step, break it down into smaller steps. If that is something that you need to, say, lose weight to be able to access fertility treatment, then that could be starting up as looking at fertility-friendly treatment, then that could be starting up as looking at fertility-friendly recipes, looking at different ways that are safe to lose weight and then starting to think about
00:13:37 the smaller steps within those as well. Remember that infertility doesn't define you and it doesn't have to take over your life. So you can take control of other areas outside of your life. Think about some of the other things you'd still like to be doing with your life outside of treatment and it can really help you.
00:13:54 You may not feel that in control of what's going on in terms of fertility and your ability to get pregnant, but you may be able to feel a lot more in control of your life to get pregnant, but you may be able to feel a lot more in control of your life outside of that. So there's lots of ways you can take control of aspects of treatment and even more ways
00:14:10 that you can take control over your life and your future so you don't have to feel like you have no control. Thank you. I hope this has been helpful. If you need any more support, you can reach me on those following ways. Thank you.
