How Your Mind Sabotages You—and How to Fight It
Bella Hilton
Video
13 min
00:00:00 Fertility struggles are a crushing blow to the joy, love, happiness and excitement that we thought trying to have a baby would be about, and can replace it with the most unimaginable feelings and experiences that we didn't even know I think we were capable of going through. So when you start to feel better mentally and emotionally on the fertility
00:00:21 journey, naturally you don't ever want to feel those painful feelings again. And in my experience as a fertility coach I started to notice a trend with my And in my experience as a fertility coach I started to notice a trend with my clients. We started to get them feeling really amazing again and quite quickly. And then they would have a bad day and feel like they were back at square one all over
00:00:41 again because they were experiencing some of the prior thoughts and feelings. Hi there, I'm Bella Hilton from Studio Fertility, I'm a certified advanced life coach, master and LP practitioner and hypnofotilitist and host of the Much Love Studio F ertility podcast. I work with women all over the world doing this work, helping them with the mental and mental and
00:01:00 emotional journey of fertility so they can feel in control again and I do this because I went through a 10 year long journey myself. And today I want to talk to you about how your mind can sabotage you as you establish more helpful mental and emotional strategies. Like I said, I noticed my clients would have these crash days, these crash moments.
00:01:21 Until they talk to me again and I showed them how they were not in fact back at square one and how quickly they could get themselves back to feeling good again because we all have bad days. That's part of being human. But we don't all understand how our minds work that can allow us to separate out bad
00:01:38 days and sabotage so that we don't go back to square one. When you're educated about how your mind and body work and you have the tools to help yourself, then you have real choice to help yourself. But when you don't understand or have those tools, then you can sink further down and not know why or how to do anything about it. So today I'm going to help you to understand how your mind can sabotage you as
00:01:56 So today I'm going to help you to understand how your mind can sabotage you as you're starting to feel better. And I'm going to give you real examples to follow. So let's understand a few things because we need to understand your unconscious mind. Any real change in our mindset and emotions happens at the unconscious level. Otherwise we're trying to force ourselves to think and feel more positively and
00:02:21 that doesn't last. That can lead to toxic positivity because we're actually just pushing down our feelings. That's like seeing a motivational speaker and feeling that motivation for a bit That's like seeing a motivational speaker and feeling that motivation for a bit , but then it goes because it's not self-motivated, self-sustained.
00:02:37 And not enough of a change has happened to take hold. Have you experienced that? Like every year I would watch the Australian Open as a kid and get all excited about playing tennis again and I'd drag my friends a couple of times with me, probably against their will to play tennis. But then the Australian Open would stop and I'd stop being in the world of
00:02:56 But then the Australian Open would stop and I'd stop being in the world of tennis and I'd lose my motivation to play going back to my status quo of not playing tennis. So when we're forcing ourselves to be positive and burying our real emotions instead of dealing with our real emotions to get to the positive feeling again, the crash will inevitably happen
00:03:18 because you haven't created any real change. So we don't want to force ourselves to be positive if we want to actually feel the change. However, if you've legitimately been feeling the changes or are currently However, if you've legitimately been feeling the changes or are currently making changes and you're feeling more positive and then you crash and feel like you're back at square
00:03:36 one, let me show you what is happening so you know that indeed you are in a better place than you think and how to stop the sabotage once and for all. So firstly, we kind of need to understand the purpose of the unconscious mind. Now there are a few functions but according to NLP, one of the major directives of the unconscious mind where the lasting change actually happens is to keep us alive, unconscious mind where the lasting change actually happens is to keep us alive,
00:04:00 to protect us, to keep us safe, to keep our heart beating and our spleen, you know, spleen ing and to keep us in our comfort zone because that represents safety, right? It wants to keep you safe, keep you alive and we can act quite instinctively with our unconscious mind. Like when there's a fire in your house, you don't stop to consciously and
00:04:23 logically think about what to do, you instinctively act and remove yourself from the danger to keep yourself safe. keep yourself safe. Now our unconscious mind seems to think that it's better the devil we know because the unconscious mind can perceive any change to be danger because at that stage we think there
00:04:44 is more pain in changing than there is in staying the same. We can actually change quite quickly and we think there is less pain in changing than staying the same. This is our unconscious mind's comfort zone where we perceive more danger or This is our unconscious mind's comfort zone where we perceive more danger or pain in changing
00:05:02 than staying the same. And we have all developed strategies that keep us in our comfort zone to deal with different situations in life. Our comfort zone can be a positive thing like you go for a walk every morning because it makes you feel good and looking after the health of your body and you can't imagine
00:05:19 not going for a walk or negative. You look in the mirror and beat up on yourself every day about how much you weigh or how fat you look because it's become your strategy to make sure you keep your fat you look because it's become your strategy to make sure you keep your weight down and you don't know how to stay thin without hating your body. Now we don't do this consciously or as consciously as we think.
00:05:40 So for fertility in this instance we're usually going from feeling miserable and not conceiving and not being able to interact in the world fully to feeling more positive about ourselves and our lives and our chances. And when we're shifting we need to be aware of two things, our thoughts and our emotions because we tend to get addicted to how we usually think and our bodies tend to
00:05:59 because we tend to get addicted to how we usually think and our bodies tend to get addicted to how we usually feel which perpetuates and influences our habits, our actions , our decisions, our thoughts so much this becomes our comfort zone. So essentially we're trying to break unconscious strategies and almost add ictions. When we habitually think one way about a topic, this is never going to happen,
00:06:25 When we habitually think one way about a topic, this is never going to happen, my body is letting me down, I'm being punished for something, then we start to make these neural pathways in our brain like a little pathway, think of it in our brain. And if we go on for long enough we kind of create this superhighway in our brain that becomes the pathway of least resistance.
00:06:48 So then it actually becomes difficult to be positive because the path of least resistance in our brain is negative thoughts and negative strategies and that's where we feel comfortable. feel comfortable. Now why would we do this? For some it might be if I don't feel anxious, I won't feel motivated enough to solve the
00:07:08 problem, I won't be vigilant enough and I'll miss that one thing that will turn all of this around and I'll miss out on my deepest desires of motherhood. Does that resonate with you at all? So when we start off on that path of feeling better and changing things around we might do well for a while and we can start to think better thoughts and feel better feelings and
00:07:29 we start to build new neural pathways, a positive set. we start to build new neural pathways, a positive set. But of course it does take time to build these new habits and strategies. And it seems crazy to think that our unconscious could sabotage us from that but if you aren't used to thinking those positive thoughts or feeling happy then it tends to think it's unsafe and outside our comfort zone.
00:07:51 It doesn't fit in with your current strategy for how to achieve success. You will try to bring you back to what it's used to. You will try to bring you back to what it's used to. Your mind and body will try and bring you back to what it's used to try and fire up your negative superhighway again. What is happening at the unconscious level is your body and mind are saying oh this is
00:08:12 too different. This doesn't feel safe because I don't know this. This isn't my strategy to solve this issue. For example I can't love my body and stay thin. If I love my body there will be nothing stopping me and I'll eat all that chocolate cake for sure. Hating my body is how I won't eat that chocolate cake, how I won't eat those
00:08:29 Hating my body is how I won't eat that chocolate cake, how I won't eat those extra calories. Or I can't not test six days out from my period. I don't know how to do this not being anxious because I have to know immediately if I am pregnant so if I am pregnant I can relax but actually even if it is positive I probably won't relax because I'll be anxious about a miscarriage and if it is negative I
00:08:56 'll be a mess every day for six days and probably start testing more often to stay a mess every day for six days and probably start testing more often to stay anxious. Or something will go wrong and I need to prepare myself for it. What we're really saying is this feels too uncertain for me and it's currently outside my comfort zone.
00:09:13 But also when you're living a lot of uncertainty because of your fertility challenges the unconscious mind wants to minimize being out of your comfort zone. Because you're already sacrificing so much so it keeps you miserable to feel more comfortable. So the unconscious mind may start to feel better freaks out and it literally So the unconscious mind may start to feel better freaks out and it literally starts to
00:09:33 try to throw things at you to come back to your normal and normal could be depressed. Normal could be miserable. Normal could mean going down a rabbit hole on Google or testing six days of every month and driving yourself crazy. Those daily habits are part of your strategy to achieve success and your brain says no
00:09:53 this activity is keeping me safe. Not consciously but unconsciously. And we're also getting a little bit of an addicted hit from it and we'll try And we're also getting a little bit of an addicted hit from it and we'll try and drag you back by helping you to remember a thought or a feeling that it might usually feel around this issue.
00:10:09 It will try and distract you back to what you usually do. So for example let's look at sabotaging how this works. I have a friend who comes to me every couple of months in a state of depression and not feeling like her life is enough and or like she is enough. At each time I ask her what's happening in her life and business and she's usually in a better position than she was before her business growing and things like that
00:10:27 a better position than she was before her business growing and things like that . But she craves that feeling of just being able to relax to let go and surrender her to her business process more. After all she's doing really well. Her usual feeling in life is to put a lot of pressure on herself. So in the second her body and mind start to feel like she's getting somewhere
00:10:50 doesn't need to work as hard she might be able to relax a bit more into her business and life. Instead her brain and body start to freak out and say I don't know this feeling Instead her brain and body start to freak out and say I don't know this feeling . I don't know these thoughts. I've only ever created success by beating up on myself and feeling anxious.
00:11:08 So she starts to try and create problems where there are not dissect things and fix things or maybe goes out and gets drunk. She creates new problems for herself to keep herself stuck in that mindset and those emotions because it is what her mind and body know and what her mind and body think creates success. Similarly when people start to feel better on the fertility journey their
00:11:28 Similarly when people start to feel better on the fertility journey their unconscious can start to not trust it and think that if you feel better and don't do all the habits associated with anxiousness around your fertility then you may miss something instead of realizing that in fact you'll probably make better decisions and notice things more. And so it will start to try and drag you back to those habits and actions that
00:11:53 were keeping you anxious. But when you become aware of this sabotage it's easy to see it for what it is. But when you become aware of this sabotage it's easy to see it for what it is. Just our mind and bodies weigh of trying to keep us safe because we've stepped outside of our comfort zone. But the beautiful thing is this as we continue to build the better strategies
00:12:12 and the better habits and build an environment around us that actually supports us the more you keep going the more you will expand your comfort zone, build that positive neural pathway and feel a real shift within. So when you do have a bad day it's just that, a bad day and you can recognize So when you do have a bad day it's just that, a bad day and you can recognize
00:12:30 it, recognize the sabotaging thoughts, be gentle with yourself and you will bounce back so fast because it isn't about never feeling down or challenged or angry or even triggered again. It's about how long you stay stuck in those feelings. So today I want you to answer three questions. Where do you find your unconscious mind might be dragging you back to its comfort zone?
00:12:55 What are those common thoughts you keep having? Where is your body dragging you back to known feelings that might be associated Where is your body dragging you back to known feelings that might be associated with those thoughts and what can you do instead or remind yourself of to get yourself back on track and set yourself up to win? [BLANK_AUDIO]
